I so look forward to this Tuesday Jan. 31st 2017 to meet the students of the Hebrew Academy Day School from the Reformed Temple of Rockland County, Nyack N.Y.
Our subject matter, an interactive workshop on
YOUR HORMONES, TEENS AND SOCIAL MEDIA.
In anticipation I have a few thoughts besides what I’ll cover on the PowerPoint, roleplaying and guided relaxation. Do kids have unspoken guidelines to posting? How much is too much? Where do they draw the line?
Honestly who doesn’t like, “likes” or “follows” on instagram and responses to snapchats? Many adults get “hooked in” on Facebook and Instagram. It’s alI about having a Brand and Visibility. I have observed that in myself. So can you imagine how concretely being “liked” could drive your tween and teen? Some postings are cool and innocent while other posts are darn right hurtful mean spirited and spells outright bullying.
For females finding out about a party you’re not invited to via instagram or falling in on the party via snap is so wounding. “I thought they were my friends? Why wasn’t I invited?”
Sexting and posting lewd pictures thinking they’ll disappear? Funny how you can even take a quick screenshot of a snap.
Though the Pew Study claims kids are online constantly 24% of the time, believe me that’s a low report. Kids are very private and downright sneaky around their parents. Mom and Dad you may have their Instagram account but there is Finsta, a fake account that they post all sorts of stuff not meant for your eyes.
So kids can monitor each other and do so some degree if that’s how their group works. My thrust is always about instilling self and other kindness and empathy for one another. Are my words Kind, Useful and True. Instilling the capacity to reflect, to play a scenario out via role playing absolutely helps teens and adults see the bigger picture.
ON 11-29-2016 I met with some lovely Moms and Dads all congregants from the Reformed Temple of Rockland County, NY. I was thrilled to share my Power Point geared to educators and parents. When we spoke of the hormonal changes, specifically how boys separate, pull in, become more private, and girls circle around, pull back, but don’t quite separate, I got some knowing nods and groans! Peers become so much more central to their teens lives for affirmation, validation, attention and help!
How to maintain a connection with your kids, while they’re pulling away?
I introduced the concept of Aerial Parenting, from my book, What Do You Expect? She’s A Teenager! Rising above, coming from a place of love, seeing the bigger picture, their teen’s life on a timeline, that teens years are phaze driven, not forever. There was a sigh of relief. But what about now, how to get through and be their rock, their North Star, a facilitator to run by all of their concerns, questions, issues, especially what they’re doing online?
Briefly, learning and being a very “intune finger on your kids pulse” parent, with your child/teen and the pop culture trends, spares your child/teen of some over the top risky behavior. We spoke about Internet premature exposure to porn at the age of 11, cyberbullying, teens setting up fake accounts, sexting, oral sex, when to sound your parental alert to specific emotional behavior changes, their acting out of control.
I reiterated and reassured the Moms and Dads, When in doubt be full of faith and hope! Teen years are not forever, it’s phaze driven. I raised two delicious very launched young adult children, a daughter now 27 and a married son now 34!
My Positive Aerial Life Coaching tips/strategies for ongoing conversations with your Teen:
- *Trust your gut and teach your teen to trust their gut
- *Make your child/teen part of the solution
- *Be invitational, flexible, patient, kind
- *Come from a place of love and concern
- *Let them talk
- *Answer their Why?
- *Affirm, Validate, Reinforce their mattering to you
- *Build Confidence, Resilience, Faith in themselves
- * Learn from Making mis-takes, try again till you understand
- *Listen and Learn from each other
- *Focus on their Health, Safety, and Welfare
- * Age Appropriate Expectations with Age Appropriate Limits and Boundaries
The questions were great especially navigating power struggles, trust and understanding their teens needs for space. I loved to hear how some of the teens were very close to their parents, reassuring for me.
One Dad made a comment about his teens being very close and open with strong parental internet supervision in a family communal space.
Great, I said. I love hearing that. But what about their friends? How can you be a 24/7 cop? Ergo the strong need for ongoing conversations, which I believe was happening in this family.
I can’t wait to give “YOUR HORMONES TEENS AND SOCIAL MEDIA” WORKSHOP to the students at the Reformed Temple of Rockland County Tuesday January 31, 2017.
I had the thrill of “there are no coincidences” within the frame of 2 weeks. I just did a gig for parents and educators on HORMONES TEENS SOCIAL MEDIA, and my favorite gynecologist, Dr. Miriam Greene’s producer Lori Parker called me to do a Radio segment on the THOSE TURBULENT TEEN years! Really, OMG! What a great platform for my book, What Do You Expect? She’s A Teenager! A Hope and Happiness Guide for Moms with daughters ages 11-19 Sourcebooks. Miriam is a pisser, a great conversationalist, funny as heck!!! We spoke so much about raising daughters in a very complex and overstimulating social climate. Her daughters are grown and one recently married. My daughter Samara, age 27, is very launched in her life. The live show was for moms dealing with daughters going through puberty. It look place at the main lobby at NYU Langone!
So what’s a parent to do she asked?
I said, Be a snoop! Check out your teens social media. However be prepared that there are ways to get around you! I mentioned Finsta, a fake account your teen can set up ONLY FOR for their peers. Here you are following them in Instagram, unaware of what they’re really up to!
Miriam said OY….
We spoke about the specific physical changes for boys and girls and those turbulent hormones, estrogen and testosterone that shift your sweet little girl and boy away from you and closer to their peers. Remember what it was like for you as a teen?
I gave some tips before some really excellent live Call Ins from Moms and Dads
Parents have to TRUST THEIR INTUITION AND THEIR GUT
Especially if they see their teen acting out of character or behaving in a way that calls attention to themselves, moody, depressed, crying jags, dropping grades, enraged, combative, drinking, drugs, other self harmful behavior
Parents need to BE ACCESSIBLE, OPEN, FLEXIBLE, BE THEIR TEENS BRAIN TRUST. Life insurance for their teens guarding and protecting them from strong risky behavior. Their pre-frontal cortex is not quite developed until mid-20’s, their amygdala, the seat of strong emotions, is in charge! Parents are their children’s and TEENS FIRST ROLE MODEL, NORTH STAR OF GOOD JUDGEMENT
Parents have UNCOMFORTABLE TALKS-SEX, DRUGS, ALCOHOL. It’s all about Anticipation, Preparation, Protection, Prevention
CREATE TRANSFORMATIVE TEACHING OPPORTUNITIES for your teen
Miriam must have mentioned my book title, who I am and where to buy it at least 6 times throughout the hour. I was so grateful for this impactful USA platform! Miriam is the best!!!
Then came some fabulous calls from parents!
There was Lots of coaching and advice in a light hearted way between Miriam and I to some smart savvy curious parents who wanted to be more aware.
One Mom asked, “My daughter is 13 and she has a boy who is a friend, age 13. They are not really dating, but I see them outside holding hands, while walking the dog. It’s all very innocent,” she said.
I’m paraphrasing “Is there cause for concern?”
I said, maybe not right now, however have the uncomfortable talk about hormonal urges that sets the stage for experimentation. It’s starts with a kiss.I didn’t want to alarm this lovely Mom, but it gave me the opportunity to talk about sexual contact and how fast it can move to Oral Sex.
I shared a cute vignette with Miriam and the Mom spoken to me by a lovely physician. “My son at age 13 was approached by a girl at a football game, asking him, “Do you want a BJ?” He paused and said, “I have to ask my Mom!” He was very close to his Mom who chuckled and used this as a wonderful entry into talking about romance, your first time, make it special, not casual and self and other respect and consideration. As well as for future use of running by “My Mom,” as a way to say a soft”No Thanks” etc., Now that was a TRANSFORMATIVE TEACHING MOMENT this Mom got and continues to get lots of mileage on!
There were so many calls. Yay!!! Suffice it to say I’LL BE BACK for more
LIVE DOCTOR TALK RADIO WITH HOST DR. MIRIAM GREENE.
As a Teen and Parenting Expert and Author of What Do You Expect? She’s A Teenager!, one of my passion projects was to learn from my children Samara, now 26 and Todd now 33. As a Family Psychotherapist, I always found that children have so much to teach. Just staying tuned into them, their distinctive personality, strenths and weaknesses, my being a caring, warm and kind facilitator enabled them to become strong, capable and confident in their own skin. Lots of unconditional love, and blessing them verbally for their brave and courageous attempts to deal with the unknown, their fears, served to make them who they are today. My daughter Samara, 26, has become a heartfelt writer of her blog ISRAEL BEING SAMARA, while living and teaching English in Israel for a 10 month period to elementary and middle school students. She’s has worked long and hard on herself to get to a place of having faith in herself, living her dream and adventure. Todd is 33 today, married to a lovely woman, Nisha and they are creating a good life filled with love and having each others backs.
I can truly say to myself, “job well done” and feel lots of pride internally that I spontaneously express to three heartfelt, soulful, humanitarian adults very launched into their lives.
This had to be one of the most exhilarating evenings I have spent since the publication of my book, What Do You Expect? She's a Teenager!
On July 26th at Dylans Candy Bar in Manhattan well over 50 entrepreneurs who are Moms and their daughters were buzzing around me for a signed copy of my book. So moving to have my daughter Samara, Nisha, my daughter in law (who is more like a daughter) and Nisha's sister Priya there, who BTW taped Joya Dass's interview with me on her trusty iPhone!
I adore the South Asian Indian community of strong women who encourage their daughters to be their best selves and to work at their passions. These moms are very focused and loving role models of respect and compassion. My book is all about the vital connection between Mom and her precious daughter(s).
Thank you Joya Dass, Founder of Lady Drinks Events, for breathing new life into my book.
Blankies and lovies serve a crucial purpose, easing stress as children come into their own.
Preference for a transitional object actually mirrors a growing ability for your children to form attachments to people.
Traditionally, special stuffed animals and blankies has helped to put the salve on separation anxiety typically felt by children separating from their Mommy, Daddy and caretaker.
These “transitional objects” help to calm, soothe and become a means of the child learning how to self soothe.
My good friends daughter, Sadie, has a very special blankie that she travels with to every destination. One side is called “Baby Blankie” the other side is called “Mommy Blankie.” Sadie and her blankie have been with each other from her infancy to the present. She talks to it as is it alive and believe you me it feels alive, like a friend to Sadie. I was talking just the other day to both sides of her blankie. How sweet for Sadie and I to have a conversation to literally both sides of Sadie. I could see how she is comforted and soothed as she ventures forth into her life, moving now from her 4’s, pre-school to her 5’s and kindergarden.
Dr. Barbara Howard, a developmental-behavioral pediatrician at John Hopkins suggested that as many as 25% of young women going off to college take along something identifiable as a transitional object.
The challenges of separation and the consolations and complexities of attachment are not developmentally confined to the first few years of life. I feel there is no shame in bringing some scraps of an old receiving blanket, a treasured stuffed animal to help our college gal navigate the challenges of separation and normal separation anxiety stirred up by new challenges and changes. The blankie creates more of a “gentle separation” so much more manageable.
I just purchased a small blankie for a favorite college gal and bought a few extras for my “Tackling Temper Tantrums with Humor for Parents with children ages 1–5,” for my Elmo, Cookie and Lamb Chop Puppets. Hey, they need some soothing too. :)